My Immortal Commentary

AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG!(Eight words spelled correctly! I do believe our girl is improving! Could just be wishful thinking though.)

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Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared.(Why is she so scared? As I recall, she already knew about Voldemort having Draco. She didn’t seem to mind it while she was fucking Harry Vampire, so why should she care now?)

“Dumbledore Dumblydore!” we both yelled. Dumbledore came there.(Where?)

“What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?” he asked angrily. (More out-of-character-ness for Dumbledore.)

“Volsemort has Draco!” we shouted at the same time. (I just remembered, Dumbledore was the one who told Enoby that Draco had killed himself. Wouldn’t a wizard as powerful as him be able to ascertain whether Draco was alive or not? This reminds me of when Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson discovered that Blackwood was alive and Sherlock said “No woman wants to marry a doctor who can’t tell if a man’s dead or not!”)

He laughed in an evil voice.

“No! Don’t! (Don’t what? Let out an evil laugh? I love doing that. It’s fun. Don’t be such a buzzkill, Enoby.) We need to save Draco!” we begged.

“No.” he said meanly. “I don’t give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony.” he said while he frowned looking at me. “Besides I never liked him that much anyway.” then he walked away. (Okay, this really bothers me. Dumbledore is a good man and now this bitch has depicted him as uncaring and just as vile as Voldemort. The Dumbledore we know and love would gladly risk his life to save another; even if that life was Draco Malfoy’s. Misbehaving in school was never something that Dumbledore condemned.) Vampire started crying. “My Draco!” he moaned. (AN: don’t u fik gay guyz r lik so hot! (Yes. But seeing as how you seem to be so against homosexuals in your author’s notes, I don’t understand why you do this. You’re confusing us all.))

“Its okay!” I tried to tell him but that didn’t stop him. He started to cry tears of blood. Then he had a brainstorm. “I had an idea!” he exclaimed. (Hahaha. Because I always have my epiphanies when I’m crying over my ex-boyfriend who is being horribly tortured. Also, “brainstorm” is not a noun. It’s a verb.)

“What?” I asked him.

“You’ll see.” he said. He took out his wand and did a spell.(WHAT SPELL?! You can’t just say “Oh, yeah, he did a spell” and just expect me to be okay with it. I need to know WHAT spell is being performed so I know what’s going on. And looking at the next sentence, he Apparated with Enoby, which is a spell that is impossible to perform while inside Hogwarts and is also not done with a wand.)Then…… suddenly we were in Voldemprt’s lair!

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. “Allah Kedavra!” (So… You want to kill the Muslim God?)
It was……………(Gratuitous dots)………………….. Voldemort!

AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu! how du u no snap iant kristian plus hargrid isn’t really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok! (When the fuck did Cedric come to the party? I think that when Tara gets bad comments, she makes shit up so it works in her favor, but in reality, it just makes her look like even more of a dunderhead.)

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I was about to slit my wrists again (AGAIN? Its a wonder you’re still breathing. Every damn chapter you cut yourself at least once.) with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him.(When did he give her this knife? They’ve been dating for like, two days.) He had told me to use it valiantly (Hahaha. “Use it valiantly”. Why doesn’t she, oh, I don’t know, use her WAND? You know, the thing she can cast spells with? Well, we’ve seen her skills with the wand (Crookshanks!) so maybe that isn’t such a good idea.) against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together.

“NO!” I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid (Why is HAIR is caps like that?)but it was Vampire. He started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!” and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.(His “red whites”? What?)

I stopped. “How did u know?” (This is just a crazy guess, but I think he knows his scar hurts because its HIS FUCKING SCAR!)

“I saw it! (SAW WHAT?) And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!”

“NO!” I ran up closer. “I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted.

“I do but Diabolo (aka pseudo-Ron) changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation.” (Why bother transfiguring it, just to cover it up with foundation?) he said back. “Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me! (Lol, from what?) then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco……(I’m sure these dots are meant for prolonging the suspense, but they really fucking annoy me.)……….Volfemort has him bondage!” (Ooooh. Kinky. Hahaha. I can just picture Draco with a ball-gag in his mouth, wearing leather underwear and tied to a bed with Voldy performing the Cruciatus Curse on him.)

Anyway I was in the school nurse’s (I think she means Hospital Wing)office now recovering from my slit wrists. Snap and Loopin and HAHRID(CAPS again? Really?) were there too. They were going to St. Mango’s(Haha. St. Mango. He’s the Patron Saint of Tropical Fruit.) after they recovered cause they were pedofiles (You don’t recover from pedophilia in a hospital) and you can’t have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz. (Who said any of them were attractive?) Dumbledore had constipated (Best. Word mix-up. EVER.)the cideo camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them.

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

“Enoby I need to tell u somethnig.” he said in a v. (She really needs to abbreviate a word as short as ‘very’? Well, I guess with her track record in the spelling department, it might be for the best.) serious voice, giving me the roses.

“Fuck off.” I told him. “You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway,(Which is why in every single chapter she’s been wearing at least one item of clothing that was pink.) and I don’t like fucked up preps like you. (How is Hagrid preppy?!)” I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik.

“No Enoby.” Hargrid says. “Those are not roses.” (I think Hagrid is lying.)

“What, are they goffs too you poser prep?” (Huh?)I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.

“I saved your life!” (WHEN?) He yelled angrily. “No you didn’t I replied.”(Looks like me and Enoby are on the same page for once.) “You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video (She can’t write the word “porn”?) made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin.” Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong (Yes. You also spelled “wrong” wrong.)) to it he added silently.

“Whatever!” I yelled angirly.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. “These aren’t roses.” (So he says.) He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that’s all you haD TO SAY! . (Lol, what the fuck is Hagrid trying to do?)

“That’s not a spell that’s an MCR song.” I corrected him wisely.(<~ Awesome word choice.)

“I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes.” (With song lyrics by a band who hadn’t even formed yet? This takes place in 1997, people.) Then he screamed. “Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!” (That’s got to be the worst made up spell ever.)

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. (You said that already.) Now I knew he wasn’t a prep.(Because floating flames is indicative of stereotype?)

“OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?” (I wonder if she knows that wtf does not mean “Where the fuck”, but “What the fuck”)

Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.(Wouldn’t she see black flame?)

“U c, Enobby,” Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. “2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?”

“I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!” Hargrid yelled. (Is your name Enoby?!) dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn’t have a headache or else he would have said something back. (She needs to give the headache thing a rest.)

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. “U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!” (But.. he didn’t say anything…)

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong (Now, why did she have to bring Beej into this? He’s a perfectly nice person and she has to defile him by putting him in this shit story.) on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don’t know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!) (The Ring is a horror movie. There are plenty of normal people who have seen it. And Samara was a little freak and her hair looked retarded.) and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss. (Red lipstick AND black lip gloss? If you say so..)

“You look kawai, girl.” B’loody Mary said sadly. “Fangs (geddit) you do too.” I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood. I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn’t spy on me this time. I went to some classes. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. (Hair of Magical Creatures?) He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff.

“Hi.” he said in a depressed way. (Isn’t he still attached to a Hufflepuff?) “Hi back.” I said in an wqually said way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. Then……… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other. (What? Why? Man, Enoby is a SKANK!)

“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!” (Hahahahahaha. I like her insult better.) shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else.

“Vampire you fucker!” I said slapping him. “Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!” I shouted and then I ran away angrily. (But she was equally enthusiastic about them having sex!)

Just then he started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!” and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. (This happened already!)

“NO!” I ran up closer. (And this.)

“I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted. (And this.)

“I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation.” he said back. “Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco…………….Volfemort has him bondage!” (And this.)

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SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111

HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I (What a weird way to ask for a sweater. Whatever happened to texting or email?)

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!(Only seven words in this author’s note are spelled correctly.)

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“NO!” I screamed. I was horrorfied! (Heh. Horrorfied.) B’loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off (What a lovely person our Enoby is.) and I ran to my room crying myself. (How do you “cry yourslelf?)Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way. (Pretty sure Dumbledore doesn’t care about looking like a perv. He’s the headmaster. Its his job to look after his students and if following her into her room to talk to her is how he has to do it, so be it.)

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. (This exact sentence has definitely been used before.) They (What? Blood is plural!) got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. (If only she had her electronic device with her in the tub and she dropped it in the water…) I grabbed a steak (Lol, what?) and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. (The new, popular form of suicide, everyone! Death by protein!) I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. (Sandly? What does that mean?) I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn’t fucking believe it. (Couldn’t believe what? Be more specific!) Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap(e) was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me!(Did they even have video cameras in the Wizarding world?) And Loopin was masticating (Yes, Lupin was chewing some food. Oh, the horror!) to to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks.

“EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! (She just described a whole outfit that she put on! She’s not naked!) ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!” I screamed putting on a black towel (Why? She’s fully clothed!) with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. Suddenly Vampire ran in. (Ran in FROM WHERE?)

“Abra Kedavra!” (Not a single spell in this story actually exists in the Potterverse.) he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb.(Hahahahahahahaha! Yes. Harry yelled at his professors while thrusting his non-existent womb towards them. I just picture him humping the air in their direction XD) I took my gun (She never even mentioned the gun was near her.) and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times (There aren’t that many bullets in a gun’s magazine.)and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. “Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin (Is he screaming ‘cause they’re dead?)and then he waved his wand and suddenly…

Hargrid ran outside on his broom (Hahahaha! Wait. So, he ran outsideon his broom? Was he just running with it between his legs? And how would they see him, since I assume they’re supposed to be in the dungeons in the Slytherin common room? This. Makes. No. Sense.) and said everyone we need to talk.

“What do you know, Hargrid? You’re just a little Hogwarts student!” (No he isn’t! Hagrid is NOT little and he’s a Hogwarts professor/gamekeeper!)

“I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT….” Hargirid paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!” (How is that relevant?!)

“This cannot be.” (Pffftttt. I can’t picture Snape saying that. And didn’t Snape, oh I don’t know, DIE?!) Snap(e) said in a crisp voice (His voice isn’t crisp. Its low, smooth and quiet. And sexy. I mean, come on, even if you don’t think Alan Rickman is attractive, you must admit that his voice is sexy.) as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore’s wand had shot him. (WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?!) “There must be other factors.” (LOL)

“YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!” I yelled in madly.(HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I don’t even know what to say to that.)

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. (Where’d the elephant part come from?) “The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!”

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood. (So she normally feels like she’s gonna pass out?)

“Why are you doing this?” (Why is who doing what?!) Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook. (I can’t be the only one who thought that said “cock”.)

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. (What words? Oh dear. I think she’s officially schizophrenic.) I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.

“BECAUSE…BECAUSE….” Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent. (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.)

“Because you’re goffic?” Snap(e) asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan. (Severus Snape isn’t afraid of anything, much less the possibility that someone would be connected to Satan; a mythical being who he doesn’t even believe exists.)

“Because I LOVE HER!” (Did Hagrid say that?!)

AN: stup it u gay fags (Oh, Jesus, not again with the homophobia! Seriously, just shut your damn mouth. Gays are some of the loveliest people you will ever meet. And the sexual orientation of your readers is entirely irrelevant to whether or not your story is shit.) if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b’loody mary isn’t a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok! (That last sentence made no sense.)

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I was really scared about Vlodemort (Haha, she spelled He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’s name wrong.) all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. (Why is this the first we’re hearing of this? You can’t just randomly introduce a new thing like that. Wouldn’t this Mary Sue be bragging about it to all her goth buddies?) I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar.(Again, the Mary Sue comes out. She’s not only the singer, but also the guitarist.) People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. (That combination sounds awful.) The other people in the band are B’loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. (Of course you do, because its impossible for one person in this entire story to be in character and NORMAL. And she spelled his nickname wrong. What a mediocre dunce!) He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Hargrid. (Again, spelled wrong. And why would Hagrid be in a band with a bunch of students?)Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed (What else is new?) so they weren’t coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn’t die because he was a vampire too (SINCE WHEN?) and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that (Except for the ten other times you’ve written the word cross throughout this story.)) or a steak (Beware the protein!)) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. (What’s wrong with a little Tim Burton?) I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs (She’s such a slut-bag.) and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I’m a slut but I’m really not. (Really? You fucked Draco the night of your first date. I think your morals are some of the most questionable I’ve ever come across.)

We were singing a cover of ‘Helena’ and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears. (Surprise, surprise.)

“Ebony! Are you OK?” B’loody Mary asked in a concerted (Concerted?)voice. (Aw, she sounds nice. Her name is retarded, but I think I might like her.)

“What the fuck do you think?” I asked angrily. (What a fucking bitch! Your friend cares about you, so you bite her head off when she shows her concern?) And then I said. “Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don’t want to kill him, because, he’s really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. (Harry’s niceness has nothing to do with his previous relationship with Draco.) But if I don’t kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!” I burst into tears.
Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall. (HAHAHAHA! What a fucking creep! I thought he was too depressed to come to practice.)

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you(Stuttering Stanley!) fucking poser muggle bitch!” (c is dat out of character?) (Yes.)

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying. (This is seriously the pansy-est Draco that I have ever read.)

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn’t cause he had a headache. (Enough with the headaches! And Dumbledore’s eyes are supposed to be twinkling with light, not fiery with anger. And why the fuck is he angry now?)

“What have you done!” He started to cry wisely. (Hahaha. He cried wisely?)(c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) “Ebony (Comma.) Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists.” (BUT YOU JUST SAID THAT HE COULDN’T DIE BY CUTTING HIS WRISTS! MAJOR FUCKING PLOT HOLE!)

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! (At what point in the movies did Dumbledore swear?!) besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist!(WHAT? Snape doesn’t like Harry because Harry represents the woman he lost and the man he lost her to. James Potter tormented him during school and the only person who ever cared about him, the only woman he ever loved, abandoned him for his nemesis. Harry looks exactly like James, so its a fresh reminder of the pain he went through. And Christianity and Satanism are Muggle religions, so they wouldn’t believe in either. Also, Satanism isn’t the same thing as that goth shit she keeps going on about. All it basically is, is taking care of yourself before taking care of others and only doing things if they help you. Tara is extremely uninformed about, well, EVERYTHING!) MCR ROX!(Again, unrelated and I. Don’t. Care.)

(These author’s notes need subtitles.)

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I was so mad and sad. (This reminds me of something Dr. Seuss would say) I couldn’t believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco. (What an awkward place to cry.)

Then all of a suddenly(Haha. All of a suddenly?), an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything (No nose and everything? Sorry, I don’t know what she means by ‘everything’.) started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn’t have a nose (You said that already.)(basically like Voldemort in the movie (What do you mean, basically like Voldemort? He”s EXACTLY like Voldemort because he IS Voldemort!)) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn’t gothic (So, according to Tara, if you wear black, you’re gothic,unless you’re Voldemort. Good to know.). It was…… Voldemort!(Yeah, we know.)

“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted “Imperius!”(Close, but no cigar! Its “Imperio”) and I couldn’t run away.

“Crookshanks!” I shouted at him. (Hahaha! Crookshanks isn’t a spell! Its a cat!) Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream (Why is Voldemort screaming?). I felt bad for him even though I’m a sadist so I stopped (If she was a true sadist, she wouldn’t stop because, by definition, sadists enjoy putting others through pain. They don’t have remorse for things like that.)

“Ebony.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Vampire Potter!” (Hahaha! Since when does Voldemort talk like the Ten Commandments?! I thought this was a Satanist story!)

I thought about Vampire and his sexah (Ugh, I hate when people spell sexy like that. It looks retarded.) eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up? (What a weird time for an epiphany.)

“No, Voldemort!” I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun. “No! Please!” I begged.

“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!”(*Insane giggles* This language is killing me.)

“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way. (KNOW WHAT?!)

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face (HAHAHAHAHA! I really want a picture of Voldemort making that face.). “I hath telekinesis.” (I wonder if Enoby knows that Telekinesis is the ability to move objects with ones’ mind. I don’t think that would help old Voldy to know that Enoby has a crush on Draco.)he answered cruelly. “And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!” he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods. (I wonder if he’s still naked… We might get another awkward description of his penis, but only if we’re lucky!)

“Draco!” I said. “Hi!” (I thought you were mad and scared! Why do you seem excited now? Jeez, Enoby is bipolar.)

“Hi.” he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way. (After the word ‘messy’, that whole sentence stopped making sense.)

“Are you okay?” I asked. (Oh, now she cares.)

“No.” he answered. (What a little bitch!)

“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.” I expelled.

“That’s okay.” he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.  (I just envision the two of them walking toward Hogwarts attached at the lips and walking awkwardly XD)

AN: stop flassing (I don’t really know what ‘flassing’ is, but telling me to stop only makes me want to do it more.) ok! if u do den u r a prep (Is that really the best insult you can come up with? I liked ‘mediocre dunces’ a lot better. And fyi, insulting your readers is never a good idea.)!

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Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back. (This kid is ridiculous. He’s NAKED! He wouldn’t be standing there in front of his creepy Potions Master and his peers like that.)

“Ebony, it’s not what you think!” Draco screamed sadly. (How does one scream sadly? Tara really loves contradicting herself, doesn’t she?)

(There is SO MUCH wrong with this next sentence. Just look.) My friend B’loody Mary Smith (Guess whoooooooo! And what’s with the random apostrophe?) smiled at me understatedly (How does one smile ‘understatedly’?). She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair (Does every girl in this whole fic have the same hair? And that reminds me, whatever happened to her friend Willow from chapter one? She completely disappeared.) and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. (Why so many contact lenses?!) She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Hermione was kidnapped when she was born (Of-fucking-course). Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. (I am confident in saying that EVERYONE in this story is exactly the same person.) It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. ) (You don’t change houses! It just doesn’t happen!)

“What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!” Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him. (I spent so much time ranting and fuming about that last paragraph that I completely forgot what happened, so I had to reread it, haha.)

“Vampire, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Draco!” I shouted at him.(Okay, I’m confused. I thought she was dating Draco, not VampireHarry! She doesn’t even know who her boyfriend is!)

Everyone gasped.

(We’re about to go into an unannounced point of view switch to Draco’s mind.)

I don’t know why Ebony was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I’m bi and so is Ebony (Can someone explain something to me? If Tara has an issue with gays, as she seems to from her insults to people who flame her and the comment from chapter one’s author’s note, than why is Draco bisexual?)) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. (Of course the only person we’re not supposed to like as of yet is a ‘stupid preppy fucker’)We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep. (So… much…. labeling! My brain can’t take it!))

“But I’m not going out with Draco anymore!” said Vampire.

“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!” I screamed. (I’m pretty sure this is supposed to be Enoby, but because there was no actual notice of the switch, we can’t really be certain. It’d be funnier if it was still Draco though, wouldn’t it? Like, he gets all upset and Vampire’s rejection and storms out, completely naked.) I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest (Is there a magic door that takes you directly to the Forbidden Forest? ‘cause otherwise, this makes no sense.) where I had lost my virility (Virility? Virility is “manly vigor” or ones masculinity/manhood. I think she got mixed up with ‘virginity’.) to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life (Whoa. A chapter title. She’s getting fancy on us.)

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws (FROM WHO?). n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony (Again with the misspelling her name thing.) isn’t a Marie Sue (You’re right. She’s a MARY Sue.) ok she isn’t perfect SHES A SATANITS! (When I read that, I thought it said “SATANTITS” LOL!) n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!(Yes, she’s depressed, but in the story, depression is glorified, ergo, she’s a Mary Sue. It doesn’t matter if she’s perfect by ourstandards. I could be writing a story about a wart -covered monster and if my main character was the wartiest of them all, and everyone loved her for it, she’d be classified as a Mary Sue because that quality is prized to the characters.)

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Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist (This may be the only time where this word is spelled correctly, so enjoy it while you can.) sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?(Yes.)). I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. (Oh for the love of God…) I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. (See! Mary Sue!) Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. (Sounds like Enoby is about to get laid)Then……(Unnecessary dots again)……

We started frenching passively (How does one ‘french passively’? Readers, I’d really like to know.) and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra (A leather bra? That sounds really uncomfortable.)and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked (I wonder if Enoby noticed that she only took off her shirt, bra and his pants. She’s still wearing a skirt and her underwear and he’s still got his shirt and boxers on. They aren’t naked. Just sort of awkwardly half-dressed. But here comes the “sex”!) and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine (Wait, what? You mean, he put his penis into your penis? That’s not how it works, honey. And I thought you had a vagina. I think we need to give you a sex ed lesson.) and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid? (YES!))

“Oh Draco, Draco!” I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco’s arm. (Because if I was having sex with my boyfriend, I would totally be looking at his arms mid-orgasm! This furthers my suspicion that Tara has never actually had an orgasm. Or graduated elementary school. And surely, she’d have seen the tattoo on any number of occasions previous to this one.) It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words……(Seriously, what’s with these fucking dots?!)…… Vampire!

I was so angry. (Why? Vampire is a pretty common word, especially in this fanfic. She’s a vampire. How does she know that that isn’t supposed to be a way of him showing his love for her through a tattoo without using her name so he can always explain it away when they break up? Things to think about, ladies and gents.)

“You bastard!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.(HAHAHAHA! Oh man. That line made me laugh.)

“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have AIDs anyway!”(What?! Where did that come from?? And seeing as how Enoby is uneducated when it comes to sex and hasn’t mentioned that she or Draco have been using any form of protection or contraceptive, she would have AIDS too!)

I put on my clothes all huffily (All ‘huffily’? She puts the word ‘all’ in front of a lot of adjectives. Its weird. And ‘huffily’ isn’t a word.)and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. (Hahaha, that I would love to see.) He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. (Why would the size of his penis matter right now? I think she just wanted to make it clear that Draco has a big cock and she didn’t know where else to put it (pun only slightly intended), so she just made it a random sentence.) I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire’s classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people. (Wouldn’t that make itProfessor Snape’s classroom? Last I remember, Harry didn’t have a classroom. And I’m sure that Draco would run into a classroom, stark naked, to plead with Enoby (I almost wrote Bella, hahaha.) to take him back. This only supports the Mary Sue aspect, because no real man would do that for a girl, but Draco loved her so muchthat he’d flash his dangley bits to Snape)

“VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” I yelled. (Hahaha, what an entrance!)

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

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The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple. (So I guess every chapter is going to start with an unwanted description of her stereotypical wardrobe. Fun.)

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. (‘Cause what else would a vampire goth kid eat for breakfast?) Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

“Bastard!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. (Why would that make her regret it? I’d be pissed, regardless of what the kid looked like. And the outfit is black, so its not like the blood would be that noticeable anyway.) He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn’t have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco’s and there was no scar on his forhead anymore.(Figure out who it is yet?) He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. (How does she know that? He hasn’t spoken yet!) He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko. (It amazes me how immature she is. If she finds the idea of us thinking she had an erection to be ‘sick’, then why did she even mention it? It’s like in chapter one where she called her friend her girlfriend and then was like “Ew, not like that!”. She could have just said “He was so hot that just looking at him turned me on.”)

“I’m so sorry.” he said in a shy voice. (Here is where you’d mention the English accent. But, they’re in Scotland, so British accents shouldn’t be hard to come by.)

“That’s all right. What’s your name?” (Why doesn’t she know his name? She knew that he used to have a scar on his head, so that suggests that she would know his name right? The lack of continuity in this story astonishes me.) I questioned.

“My name’s Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days.” he grumbled. (You have got to be fucking with me. ‘Vampire’? Really? Could she get any more ridiculous?)

“Why?” I exclaimed. (Good question.)

“Because I love the taste of human blood.” he giggled. (Ugh. Why, Tara, why?)

“Well, I am a vampire.” I confessed.

“Really?” he whimpered. (This kid has got a weird range of emotion. He went from shy, to giggle-y, and to what I can only assume is scared in like, ten seconds.)

“Yeah.” I roared. (Hahaha. She roared? As in, Lion King roared?)

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. (Wow, she’s nice. She just ditched Harry without any sort of description. She could’ve just up and left mid-sentence! Knowing Tara and the way she writes, “Enoby” probably did exactly that.)

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! (She never mentioned that he had a headache in the previous chapter, and I don’t think that that would’ve been why he would curse so profusely. In Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Dumbledore went through an incredibly painful experience by way of drinking a potion so that Harry could get to the horcrux. Through all that agony, he never once cursed. A headache is nothing in comparison. And he has every right to be angry about two students fornicating on school grounds!) PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!(I wanna know who these 5 people were.)

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Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.(As he should be, seeing as how they broke at least two school rules.)

“You ludacris fools!” he shouted. (Hahaha. Ludacris is a rapper, not an adjective.)

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Draco comforted me. (Oh, the melodrama!) When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry. (This is possibly the only point in the story where these names are spelled correctly.)

“They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!” he yelled in a furious voice. (I assume this is Dumbledore, but there are three males in the room and an identity for the speaker other than ‘he’ is needed.)

“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” (Best. Insult. Ever. I’m totes gonna start calling people that.) asked Professor McGonagall.

“How dare you?” demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HER!” (*cough*Mary Sue*cough*)

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. “Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms.”(What?! Anyone who knows the character of Professor Snape knows that he is the least likely person in attendance to say that in this situation. He’d be more likely to grab Malfoy by his collar and shake him while yelling about calling his father.)

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

“Are you okay, Ebony?” Draco asked me gently. (Ugh, he’s so whipped its not even funny. Well, maybe it is funny, seeing as how I’m currently making fun of him for it.)

“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I went to the girl’s dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. (Wait, isn’t she going to bed now? Why would she be wearing heels?) When I came out….

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing ‘I just wanna live’ by Good Charlotte. (Hahaha! I hope he was dressed up as a carrot or something like the guys in the video. And how the fuck did he get into her dorm anyway? There’s an enchantment on the stairs so if any male tries to walk up them, they turn into a slide.)I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

I should probably warn you that coming up is the saddest and worst attempt at smut that I have ever had the misfortune of reading. Its not even really sex, but I still feel inclined to warn you about it.

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony’s name is ENOBY (HAHAHAHA! She misspelled her character’s name while making it capitalized to emphasize the name. She needs an editor, STAT!) nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok! (I don’t even know what that says.)

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“DRACO!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?” (I wonder what emotion is behind this exclamation.)

Draco didn’t answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously. (Does she know what the word ‘flying’ means? I wish that when they walked out of it, they fell from a considerable height and got nasty compound fractures in their legs and were incapable of motion. Then, with any luck, a pack of hungry wolves would come along and eat them, like in that Kevin Zegers movie, Frozen.)

“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily. (Ah. I guess it’s anger.)

“Ebony?” he asked.

“What?” I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close (Aren’t they on opposite sides of the car? Is he like Mr. Fantastic with an extendable neck?) and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.(Those sound like some pretty sick contacts. I wonder if they’re on EBay…)

And then……(Too many dots)……… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately.(She started the sentence one way, and then finished it as if it were a completely different sentence.) Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. (Pfftttt. Making out keenly? Tara needs a dictionary.) He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. (Oh no! Not the bra!) Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.(HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! If you’re writing about sex this way, you’re too young to be having it and/or talking about it. I don’t think I’ve ever called a penis a ‘thingie’, even when I was a child. Does anyone know how old Tara was when she wrote this?)

“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”(HAHAHAHAHA. I’m pretty certain it’d be obvious they were fucking.)

It was…………………………………………………….Dumbledore! (Wait, WHAT?!?!?!?!)

I don’t think she could’ve made Dumbledore any more out of character, even if she wanted to.

Oh, and the Kevin Zegers movie is actually pretty good. You can Netflix it.